Journal Entry #3
Not the little smile on my face as I’m writing this
If someone likes you, they like you. Doesn’t matter that you changed your haircut. Doesn’t matter that you have a huge bulging scar across your cheek. Doesn’t matter that you have lots of acne. None of it matters because all the person sees is someone they like. You could be talking to them with spinach stuck between your teeth and they’d still find you beautiful […] Get out of your head. You’re ok.
I’m kind of worried my friends think I’m still thinking about him. Who am I kidding? They know I am.
Me: I’m not a romantic.
Also me: Oh my god this candle smells like weddings! And this one is giving honeymoon! I have to buy them. It’s a sign! Next year, I’ll find my hubby!
We are next year. Hubby where you at?
I love the crackling of the wooden candle wick in the quiet of my bedroom. It’s so peaceful. I didn’t even put on my cello playlist. All I want to do is close my eyes and listen to the crackle […]
[…] I didn’t know he was into me. And when I found out it was too late […]
[…] too many men have ruined it for the rest of them.
I’m trying not to fall asleep with all these candles around me but I’m running on three hours of sleep. Gotta blow them all out before I…
Watching horror movies alone at night is crazy. But I’m addicted and I can’t stop. I love the dread [...] Holding my breath […] The tightness in my shoulders, the beat of my heart […] I feel like such a kid holding this blanket up to my eyes.
I better not have any nightmares tonight. I brought this on myself.
C. where the hell are you? You better come home quick!
I’m scared.
I swear I wasn’t expecting that. People will surprise you in the best ways sometimes.
He’s away travelling with friends. Partying. And he still took time to step out and call me back. I could hear the music in the background. […] and then he said, “Well, we can talk about it more if you want,” and he just let me rant some more. […] that was sweet.
[…] now I’m in this weird place where I feel pissed off but also grateful. I’m actually more grateful. Yeah, definitely more grateful. It’s a good feeling knowing some people got you. […]
Sometimes I’m just moody for no goddamn reason. There’s so much going on in my head that I can’t type fast enough. I get one thought and then another and my thoughts are like shooting stars and they’re racing in my head. Sometimes they collide and explode and I loose track of both thoughts. I just remember how they made me feel, I can’t verbalize them. Argh! It’s happening again!! I can’t remember what I was going to write down.
C.: You should always have something sweet in the freezer.
[…] left thinking “oh I should’ve said that” or “I should’ve done that” […] I try to live my life without any regret. Always shooting my shot, saying what’s on my mind, trying to forgive instead of holding on—ruminating. Learning to let go. Doing the right thing. Because when I go to bed I don’t want to be thinking of shit I should’ve, could’ve, would’ve done.
We’re prettier than we think we are and more interesting than we think […] we just don’t realize it. […] Give yourself more credit. It’s not because you’re used to seeing your face, used to the way you think, that it’s not beautiful.